"How is that possible!" Trista yelled. "They just appeared out of nowhere; barely registered on the scanners."
My head was spinning as it tried to process the events of the past minute, and it landed on a memory from long ago. "The stealth wave..."
When Sophie and I had first met on Flauraan, there had been an attempted escape from the force field by the Weraynians. They had managed it in part by tricking a human spaceship into attacking Flauraan as a distraction. At the time we had no idea how they'd managed to go unnoticed by all of the system's defensive measures, but following the event the humans showed us a device that had been integrated into their ship. They called it the stealth wave, and it had made the ship virtually invisible to all radar or scanning equipment. Of course the Weraynians would have enhanced that technology since then, and naturally used it to aid their cause in this war.
I stared at the havoc the Weraynians had just wrought. The gargantuan spacecraft which had penetrated the blockade, wrecking countless Staarus ships and almost certainly killing many in the process, seemed to ripple as hatches opened and smaller machinations detached from it and branched off in every direction. They had to have been smaller Weraynian scout ships, contained inside the larger ship while it functioned as a battering ram and now released for more delicate reconnaissance and conquest of the system. The previously safe space outside of the blockade had become a minefield, both metaphorically and physically, as there was both the presence of the Weraynians and the wreckage they'd caused. I felt sick to my stomach.
"HQ, pick up! What are my orders?" Trista yelled into our ship's communicator.
The dashboard crackled before emitting a response. "Team Sindro is strictly non combatant. Return to base."
"Alright." Trista flicked off the comms and muttered to herself. "Just gotta return to base, sure. Get through the spaceship junk floating everywhere and hope we don't get targeted by Weraynians. Just great." She began aggressively pressing controls and preparing to right the ship so we could turn around, and then glanced at me where I still stood with my hands resting on the gel matrix, paralysed in thought. "Abigail, go strap in back there. This isn't going to be an easy trip."
I nodded mutely and hurried back to where the others were looking decidedly uneasy.
I had barely been seated for a moment before I felt a hand on my shoulder and I turned to see Alexa's pained eyes. "Abigail I saw this happen in a vision. I should've known this was coming I should've recognised it. I just wasn't sure-"
I put a hand over hers and shook my head. "Lex- Alexa, don't blame yourself. You couldn't have stopped this. I don't think there's anything anyone could have done."
I glimpsed in her expression the turmoil she must experience constantly, images plaguing her in every moment, attached to no meaning or use to her except for when they happened to unfold before her eyes, as they had right now. I think she had told me so that she could hear me tell her it wasn't her fault. Did my words convince her?
"Of course not." she said. "It still sucks though." She cast her gaze worriedly over to Jayken, who was currently sitting in front of Sophie and Beth, then suddenly drew back her hand from under mine and shrugged at me. She headed back to her seat.
I turned myself to look at Sophie and caught her watching me intently. I fought the urge to blush and duck my head. She flashed me a grin and then immediately returned to conversation with Beth. My acute observational skills flagged, drawing my attention to the close proximity between the two of them, and the ease Sophie was at while with her friend. Beth talked animatedly and Sophie smiled at them and responded with the same enthusiasm. I felt an ugly feeling stirring in my chest. How could they be talking so cheerfully when ships full of people had just been blasted to bits and the Weraynians were now at large in the Staarus system? I knew that Sophie had to distract herself in distressing situations or she shut down completely, but this seemed a bit ridiculous.
I was pulled out of my festering thoughts by Mickey, who had been up the front making sure Trista hadn't sustained any injuries from maneuvering the ship during the breakout.
"Abigail, how are you feeling? Any broken limbs?" he asked me, placing an appendage on my arm.
I shook my head. "I'm alright. Just shaken."
"Of course." he sat down next to me and rifled nervously through the bag around his waist. "I'm worried about Steve, but I don't think his ship was anywhere near there. I hope that not too many people have been killed. I made sure the Alliance brought plenty of medical supplies but I'm not sure how much help we'll be in these circumstances. Maybe I can see if some of our ships can be redirected to medical posts? I don't know."
I smiled at the sweetness of this man, who worried so much because he cared so deeply about everyone. "That's a good idea, Mickey. You organising the Alliance to come here is so helpful, don't doubt that. Thank you for coming to support us."
Mickey smiled back at me. "I wouldn't claim any credit for that. It was Sophie's idea after all, and then it was mostly Beth doing functional things while I tried to be helpful at all."
Beth. I scrunched my nose up in brief disdain. "Don't downplay your part in it, Mickey. I appreciate what you've done. And I'm sure we'll have plenty of need for your medical expertise, following everything that's just happened. Just gotta get back to base first."
"You're really encouraging Abigail." Mickey said and I looked in surprise to see him looking at me with admiration. "Thank you for being so thoughtful. If you ever want to talk about anything, I am happy to listen. Please know that. Not that I'd be anything as good as you."
I grinned.
"Plus you've got Sophie to talk to anyway."
My grin became a bit fixed. I had one of those moments when I couldn't prevent my thoughts from spilling forth. "Well now that you and Beth are here she probably won't really need to talk to me as much so..."
Mickey's eyes flashed with concern. "What makes you say that? Sophie loves you! She talks about you constantly." His three eyes blinked rapidly as if regretting what he'd said. "You're her best friend I mean! Why would she stop talking to you?"
He followed my forlorn gaze to where it fell on Sophie and Beth still deep in conversation, huddled together with Sophie practically in their lap. I'd gotten so used to being the only person Sophie was close to that I'd never considered the idea that she was just as physically comfortable with all of her friends as she was with me. I wasn't special. I'd just been fortunate enough to never have to share her with other people. I thought about the way she'd run to meet Beth when the Alliance ships first arrived. My thoughts twisted in on themselves.
Mickey was looking at me with a bemused expression on his face, which I tried to ignore. "Abigail... Beth and Sophie? Don't be ridiculous."
I froze. "I don't know what you mean." I said stiffly.
"Well I uh, I mean that Beth and Sophie are close - but they're nowhere near as close as you and her!"
I fixed him with a curious stare. My stomach dropped as Trista made a tactical dodge due to some object outside.
This whole thing was silly anyway. There was a war to focus on, and everything had just gotten so much worse.
* * * * * * *
"Alright everyone, due to the escalating danger that the Staarus system is under, there will be new precautions in place to protect everyone here and all of our research and progress from falling into Weraynian hands. There will be increased training to ensure we are all prepared in the case of an emergency, and increased watches will be being implemented to keep this base on high alert. Communication with the front lines has been further encrypted, and in the next few weeks we will most likely need to release some of the ships and resources from our hangar in order to provide further support to the war effort. There may be some deployments for those with the relevant skills. We need you all to be extra vigilant, and stay updated on the situation at all times."
Sophie stood next to me in the meeting room as we listened to the updates in response to the latest Weraynian advancement. I was tense around her for maybe the first time ever, following my new foray into jealousy on the ship earlier. It didn't help how close she was standing to me right now, or the fact that my mind was still reeling from the Weraynians escaping the blockade. Who knew what danger the Staarus system was in now? We knew they had fearsome technology and weapons and could attack any place at any time. It was terrifying, mind blowing to think about. I shoved my fear down and tried to ignore the lump in my throat. Everything would be okay, I was the most safe I could be. Everything would be fine. This war would be won soon.
My reassurance was met with the call of social justice within me. Yes, Abigail, you might be safe, it scolded, but there are many out there, vulnerable people, those on the front lines, who are suffering and dying. For them, everything won't be okay.
I can't do anything about that, I told myself. This privileged guilt will get us nowhere. I can only do what I can, I am no superhero. The suffering caused by the Weraynians is awful, horrible, but you can't let yourself become paralysed with despair.
The lump in my throat rose higher. My body was unbearably tense. As the emergency meeting was dissolved and we were dismissed back to our duties, I found myself following the others on autopilot, my thoughts a haze.
I should've gone straight to my room and lay alone in bed, given how I felt, but instead I sat motionless on a couch in the shared quarters, too mentally exhausted to move or think. A distant part of my brain was furious at me for shutting down when really nothing had happened to me. The others it seemed were pretty shaken as well (though they're all coping better than you, my brain chided me) and probably didn't feel like being alone, so they all milled together in the same room. Sophie and Beth waited anxiously while Mickey tried to contact Steve to make sure he was alright. Jayken was filling Rojjel in on our ill fated trip to the blockade. Alexa had pulled out her sketchbook and was trying to distract herself, but kept scribbling out the images that took shape before she gave up and snapped the book shut, leaning back with her eyes closed.
"Mickey, is that you? How's it hangin?" Steve's voice emanated from the device in Mickey's hand as the call connected and the relief on the Alliance team's faces was palpable.
"Oh thank the stars." Beth said and then snatched the device from Mickey and spoke sternly into it. "Stepannus-Coft-Agonnus, we were so worried! We thought you might have been in the part of the blockade that got destroyed. Why didn't you call us?"
"Oh, sorry guys! I didn't even think! Gawd I'm an idiot. Nah nah no worries man; I was pretty close though. A few Alliance ships got scraped in the light show, but I haven't heard of any casualties yet. We've been doing some cleanup here, trying to fill the gaps. Not the best first day ever."
"You're telling me." Beth said.
Mickey delicately retrieved his communicator from Beth now that they weren't quite as frantic and fiddled with the buttons. "Hang on, Steve, I'm going to switch modes just so we can share mapping data, cos Beth and I are probably going to have to organise some logistical stuff with the Alliance ships tomorrow."
"Oh yeah no worries." The conversation became an information exchange after that. I turned to where Jayken now sat with Lexie, speaking softly and seriously. Their friendship was a beautiful one. They both had their traumas, and it was clear they both cared deeply about each other and helped the other through everything. My eyes flicked from them, to Beth and Sophie who were laughing idly at some joke now that their worry for Steve had dissipated, and then to Mickey, who was now being helped by Rojjel as he tried to figure out something to do with his device's connection to Steve's. My heart twisted. I suddenly felt very alone. Unnoticed, I slinked over to my room and curled up in bed, drowning in my own self loathing. How useless was I? I thought of Sophie's smiling face as she sat with Beth, and I wanted to scream. It was not possible to have hated myself more than I did at that moment. I couldn't believe how selfish and pointless I was. I'd spent so much of the past years worrying about this war and wanting to help, and now here I was getting worked up over the stupidest personal issues and functionless when it came to the actual crisis happening right now.
I was still awake when Sophie climbed into bed beside me but I ignored her, feigning sleep. I didn't feel like talking to her. I would just be a burden on her anyway. My thoughts were like a weight in my chest; I hoped against hope that I would somehow feel better tomorrow.
After that, life passed in a blur. As a team we were busy with important things like training and sitting in on updates on the war's progression. We helped Rojjel pore over diagrams and dis and reassemble various components of machines in various potential access ports, and occasionally venture out to install them into satellites or space stations. Sophie, Beth and Mickey liaised with the Alliance, and occasionally we travelled to deliver supplies or offer some sort of relief. And as a backdrop to all this was my tortured thoughts about Sophie. It was weird to be obsessed with a girl in the middle of the war, but what was I supposed to do? It was the one thing I could focus on that wasn't a total nightmare, as the world fell apart around me. The Weraynians had taken a lot more of the blockade, they'd launched many attempted assaults on the surroundings of Halapatov and more people from intercepted ships had been captured by them. There were rumours that those who were captured had been taken to Werayne and experimented on, and I got the impression that the satellites around Werayne we were working on were in part being used to try to determine the exact location that the captives were being kept in so that rescue could be attempted. Which was good. It made me feel useful, for once. Sort of.
On one day, against my better judgement, after hours of sitting alone and trying not to think, I went to distract myself by checking out what Rojjel and Sophie were working on. Unfortunately that meant that I would have to be around Sophie, which I'm not sure was helpful in my current state. I made some idle conversation and helped Rojjel test one of his projects, and was coping okay until Rojjel left the room, leaving me alone with Sophie. I tried to engross myself in the project before me but Sophie was persistent in garnering my attention. Giving in to her pestering, I deftly tried to think of a way to appear unflustered as I moved towards her.
"Yeah Sophie, what's up?"
At the sound of my response, she withdrew from the circuitry she had been fiddling with and turned to face me. I inspired a breath shortly. Sophie Lester looked absolutely stunning. She was wearing shorts and a tight shirt damp with sweat which accentuated curves in her body that I generally spent my time avoiding noticing, which was difficult as she was so big and beautiful. The new bob that her hair fell into framed her face in a sharp and enticing manner. Her eyes shone as they latched onto mine, and her mouth curved into the smile that she saved just for me, soft and sweet and brimming with energy. I felt as if time moved in a slurry and I stood with my mouth agape, frozen forever. In reality, these observations thrilled through my mind in but a moment, along with a warm and twisting sensation in the abdominal section of my torso. This was the reason I'd distanced myself from Sophie in recent times. I'd thought that I could ignore my undeniable attraction to her when we were reunited for this mission but over the weeks we'd been here I'd grown distracted, awkward. I didn't want to deal with this. Sophie was my friend - my best friend - and it was so inappropriate to think of her this way, to objectify her, however nothing I did helped, and avoidance during the day had become my strategy. I couldn't exactly avoid her at night - of course she'd decided that we must share a room - and I didnt want her to think that I hated her when the contrary was the real truth. It was incredible to be able to see her so often; I just wasn't coping with the proximity. Such as right now as I moved closer to her and felt my heart rate ever increasing.
When I was near enough, she reached out and grasped my arm, pulling me flush to her. I forced myself not to recoil at the touch. Why was I reacting so strangely to a simple crush? Sophie and I were constantly in physical contact - hugging, holding hands, leaning on each other's shoulders - yet it affected me every time. Geez, I was pathetic.
So I let Sophie show me what she'd been working on, and answered the question she had, whatever it was. I tried not to stare too much. Afterwards I came up with some brilliant excuse to remove myself from the room and wandered the halls, mind spinning. This was getting out of hand.
Now I don't know how long I'd known how I felt about Sophie. One thing I did know was that there was a slim chance she felt the same way. She'd even called us soulmates once, a silly earth term that somehow encapsulated the objective truth that we belonged together. I wanted her with me my whole life; she was my best friend and, yeah, the person I loved. There'd been moments - of course there'd been moments over the years: when she was lying next to me in my room, or when she'd come back to visit after she found the expedition, or sitting next to her on the hill watching the stars and leaning into her shoulder - moments when I knew clearly how I felt. But it was hard enough being her friend and having her so far away most of the time; how could I even imagine making something more of what we had? It would hurt so much deeper.
But I had made up my mind. I couldn't afford to have my whole attention taken up by a stupid crush, and agonizing day or night whether or not Sophie liked me or not. It was just adding to a long list of things that made me feel terrible.
I spent most of the rest of that day trying to summon up the motivation to act. Finally, when it was nearing time to head to bed and I knew that if I didn't say something now I never would, I pulled Sophie aside.
"Sophie..." I began, and the simple smile that appeared on her face as she waited intently for me to continue nearly made me lose all nerve. I reached out for her hands - the first physical contact I'd initiated for days - and looked down at the floor, forcing the words out. "We need to talk. Can we uh... can we go for a walk?"
The pause between my asking and her response were agony. I looked up to see her face fallen in confounder. I screamed internally. I didn't want her to worry. Her eyes filled with concern. "Of course we can Abi. Are you okay? What is it?"
I just jerked my head to the side and pulled her out of the room after me. I could only imagine the terror that must be going through her head right now. I wished I could just act normal about everything but this bearing of my soul was taking every ounce of effort from within me.
We walked for a long time before either of us said anything, which was impressive of Sophie, who was normally so impatient. I could tell that she was getting distracted and fidgety but was suppressing the urge to ask me a thousand questions so that I could form my thoughts into words. Finally I stopped and forced myself to speak, words I'd rehearsed countless times in my head spilling forth.
"Sophie... you are my best friend and the greatest person I have ever met. You understand me so well and you put up with my overthinking and you just... you're great."
Sophie surveyed me carefully.. "What are you saying?" she asked, hesitant.
"I... uh... well, things have been great you know. It's been really cool being your friend and I uh. You're really important to me and-"
Her face blanched. "Wait, please tell me you're not saying what I think you're saying. Abi. I'm so sorry. I just- i know I've been kinda needy and I noticed that you've been avoiding me lately and I- I know I'm probably too much and that you probably don't like me back and I'm sorry... What can I do to make things better?" I stood there, eyes wide, as she stared at me with so much terror in her eyes that it made my heart break. My brain ticked over, processing what she'd just said, and immediately all of the tension drained out of my body and a small smile crept onto my face.
"Sophie, you idiot," I said softly. She was frozen, staring at me and probably trying to figure out what I was thinking. I grabbed her hand and laced my fingers through hers. She looked down at our hands like she couldn't believe her eyes. She quickly glanced back up to me, lips parted. My smile grew. "That's what I was trying to say. I do like you back. I love everything about you. I found it hard to be around you because it's been killing me."
She blinked rapidly. "Oh." she said in a really small voice that made me giggle. "You really like me? Like, like like me?" she had this intense look in her eyes as she looked up into mine and I realised how close we were to each other, and that the corridor we were in was empty, and that if I leaned down just a little her lips would be in line with mine and I rubbed my neck awkwardly. This was all happening so fast.
Nonetheless I replied earnestly, "Of course I do."
"That's so unbelievable." it was as if her eyes were literally emitting light as she beamed at me. "Abigail... I've liked you for so long - if I'd known you liked me too we could've been together for ages... Although I guess we wouldn't have really been together if not for this war."
I nodded, the joy deflating out of me as quickly as it had arrived. She was right. I had to take circumstances into account. "So... what should we do? Should we just forget anything happened and revert to being friends or do we... actually become a couple, even though everything is insane right now."
She fiddled with my hand. "Well I don't want to revert." she said softly, avoiding my eyes with flushed cheeks. "This is... weird... But it's cool. It's perfect." She lifted her head and smiled, her eyes fixing onto mine. She was so beautiful, I didn't know how I'd ever be able to look away.
I couldn't fathom the fact that this was happening right now. "Yeah."
"Abi will you be my girlfriend?" her smile turned cheeky and it was my turn to blush furiously at her words.
"I will."
Grinning like idiots, we headed back to the main room with our hands entwined. Sophie and I had held hands so many times before but this new relationship we'd begun was causing it to make my heart beat a million beats a minute. I felt so awkward and unprepared for such a thing, even though it was Sophie, who I trusted with everything I was. We chatted with Jayken and Lexie for a while, trying to act normal and I think both trying to postpone the moment when we would be in our room and sharing a bed for the first time as a couple. It was simultaneously everything I'd ever wanted and the most terrifying thing I could imagine. Lexie went to bed fairly soon into the conversation and eventually Jayken retired too, and Sophie and I looked at each other, left alone once more. I dropped her hand nervously.
"I'm going to bed." I said.
She nodded quickly. "Okay."
I nodded awkwardly and headed towards the door.
"I'll come in a bit." she said and I smiled to myself.
Not long after we were lying in bed, nose to nose and I had the most intense feeling thrilling through me. I so desperately wanted to wrap my arms around her and pull her close but I was scared. What was wrong with me? It's not as if we'd never been this close, or slept in the same bed, or cuddled before; Yet things were different, here, now, as we lay together and I knew that this was a powerful moment - I didn't want to mess it up.
I lay there for so long avoiding her gaze, but longing to act, to pull her closer, and then of course my agonising proved pointless. Because Sophia Alice Lester shifted towards me and wrapped her arms around my waist decisively. In a charged moment, I lifted my chin and caught her gaze, staring into each other's eyes in the dim light. My arms, almost on their own, responded to hold her, and we pressed against each other. I could feel her heart beating so fast. I felt lightheaded. We moved in sync, heads tilting and suddenly our mouths were pressed together for a brief, beautiful second. I pulled back, shocked, and then I moved in again, pecking her lips with a kiss two more times. Tangled together still, and both breathing heavily, we lay there and just looked at each other. I took her in like a deep breath. Then the most ecstatic grin lit up her face and she moved towards me again and it was lips and heat and breath and she was mine she was mine she was mine, finally.