Deep Space, Sophie is 16

I thrash awake, Aldred’s name on my lips. After so much time spent recovering from his death, and at least a year where I'd pretty successfully trained myself not to think about him, even in my sleep, I’ve now dreamt about him just like I did on Halapatov, have been brought right back to that horrible moment as I watched blood and guts and bone spill out of him and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

The metal walls enclosing me slowly come into focus, and blinking lights attract my eyes. My throat feels as if I've been screaming. Louise has said I used to scream in my sleep on occasion and freak her out.

I suppose I’m lucky no one has come looking for the source of a disturbance and found me stowing away in the bowels of this freighter.

Maybe an infiltration mission wasn't my smartest choice, given my current state, but I had to throw myself into something after what happened, and when I opened the digifile to pick my next steps there it was - a meticulously laid out plan to track a ship following a similar course to the Eridanus, insert myself on board and hijack the systems in order to collect data regarding this sector of space (and hopefully find some useful information about what could have possibly happened to the Eridanus). One of multiple potential plans that Abigail had designed for me before- oh no I shouldn't have followed this thought. Abi. Memories slice at me. Before I lose it and start screaming again I roll out of my little hideyhole and busy myself surveying the equipment I keyed my scanner into before I went to sleep. I pat down my hair as I do so, hoping that anyone who might pass by will mistake me for an engineer. At least if someone tries to confront me I have some falsified credentials that should actually hold up under scrutiny this time, unlike that slipshod attempt on Flauraan. Flauraan. Something in me aches. There I go, thoughts running away from me again. What is wrong with me?

Since I clearly am incapable of not dwelling on things I'd rather not revisit, I switch tracks to another topic I've been trying not to think about. The future. I have no idea what to do next. Well of course I have other plans to work through. And I will. I will. But I really really don’t know at what point I’m going to be able to go back to Earth. And I know I should plan for that. I need to check in at some point. It’s been months now, the longest I’ve ever been away. Louise probably thinks that I’ve gone missing right along with the expedition. That concept should make me feel worse than it does. Instead all I can think about is that there’s no way to go back without getting found out. Without having to explain what happened on Halapatov. It’ll only get worse the longer I’m gone though.

They’ll want to know why I was gone so long. Maybe the Eridanus II contacted them like they said they would and so they know about what happened on Flauraan. And of course I can explain that I decided to stay longer in the Staarus System and do more research since it’s a brand new system and so interesting! But then I’ll have to explain why the research is incomplete and unfortunately I don’t think I’m quite enough of a failure for them to accept incompetence as an excuse and Louise will be able to tell that someone other than me worked on the data and I’ll have to explain about Abi and I guess maybe I won’t have to explain why I left her the way I did but I’ll be thinking about it and how am I supposed to have that conversation.

But I’ll have to go back eventually. Maybe it won’t be so bad. Maybe we can just gloss over most of the details. Then I think of my dream again. What happens if I wake up screaming again and Louise gets worried about why that’s happening again after years without it.

Not really any good options, when you think about it.

I frown at my scanner, tapping idly at its side. The ship specs run through my mind - it's a similar size to the Eridanus, although with a slightly smaller crew and more space for cargo. It's slightly less sophisticated technologically also. I tap until I find the Eridanus specs and go over the data that I already really should know by heart and try to figure out if there's anything significant about its tech that could be interfered with by the phenomena this ship has encountered. None of it is really comparable to the solar flares that were rampant in this sector when the Eridanus derailed its course. I need to get to a better equipped section of this ship, gain access to the navigation computations, see for myself what a ship of this size would be seeing as a viable course, attempt to run a simulation on it using the data on the solar flares I have. Hmm. If things had gone differently I could have run a proper simulation on the Eridanus II, but the way things went I only got a little bit of (still sort of useful) information on their systems. Just another way I've fallen short.

I lean my head against the wall of the ship, feel the hum of the systems reverberate through my skull. I feel so tired, so lonely. Thoughts I haven't thought bleed out of me. I miss Abigail. I miss Aldred. I've been doing this, this research, this trek across the galaxies on my own for so long that I'd forgotten what it was like to work with someone else, how much easier it made it, how extra eyes and thoughts and minds could help make sense of info that much quicker, find connections that I hadn't considered. I mean I'm only here because of Abi's work. A selfish part of me wishes I could bring her with me. But I can't. I can't.

If I've learnt anything it's that something bad happens to people who try to help me. I hold Aldred and Riowyn side by side in my head for a moment. They're actually really similar, in so many ways. Both so intelligent and organised. And they both died to save me. And Abigail, too, is like them, with her brilliant mind and the way she followed me into the ghost light. I screw my eyes shut. No matter how much having her with me would help, it's not worth it. The best thing I can do is get away from her, solve the mystery of the expedition on my own, refuse to put anyone else in danger for my sake ever again.

I will just have to carry Abigail with me through her notes in my digifile, try to imagine what she would say if she were here, what choices she would make, the way I have with Aldred so many times.

Well, right now, I can hear her telling me to get on with it, to go get the data I need. I pull out the ships specs again, and figure out the quickest route to the navigation deck. My boots clomp against the floor of the ship as I make my way down the corridor. So much for subtlety.

I have to get better at this. I have to keep going. And maybe I can actually do something right for once, and all of this work I've done won't just end in more disaster. I have to believe. I have to try. I can't let any of them down.

I go on the only way I can, with ghosts by my side.