I don’t know how to write a poem about polyamory

I wouldn’t even know where to start

I mean, I’m not even polyamorous in any conventional sense of the word

Or at least, I don’t know if I am, because my experiences with romantic and sexual relationships can be counted on one hand

In the eyes of society I am a failure, a loveless creature fated to die alone with a cat coveting their corpse

But how do words retain any meaning when you exist outside normative structures?

If I don’t see any value in upholding a romantic relationship over a platonic one then what does polyamory even mean?

I have written about love before

About the way I feel connected to people by unique strings

How every relationship feels unique, holy

How I wish there were more words for loved ones because friend is not adequate

Not that I don’t value friendship but that the world around me doesn’t

I wish I didn’t have the voice in my head telling me that every affectionate relationship i have is just playacting, is a poor consolation prize for the epic romance I am destined to never experience, too broken for it to be in any reach

Okay so what does it mean that I clamour for media that even hints at polyamory?

That any notion of committed and affectionate group dynamics makes me happy in a way little else can?

It’s impossible to explain to people who don’t live like this, for whom the one special person in your life is the unquestioned goal

People are so quick to jump onto the belief that polyamorous relationships are inherently toxic (never mind that toxic heterosexual relationships are the staple of humankind and almost all media)

If your friend has a dickhead partner who tries to control their entire life you shrug your shoulders and say it must be love, but if you hear about a dreaded *shudders* polycule you immediately lose all respect for every person involved

Is this why I have the instinct to downplay, to myself and to others, every relationship I have?

Because I know that it will only ever be regarded with pity, with derision, with a condescending smile and an assurance that one day I will experience a real relationship

What does it mean if I can’t distinguish between romantic and platonic love?

If the affection I have felt for romantic partners has been equal or, if anything, paled next to that of my friends, of people with whom I’ve shared my very life and soul?

I don’t have the answer to these questions; I have spent much of my life seeking them

All I know is that I know love that crosses oceans.

Love that endures conflict.

That seeks to understand my every thought and word and deed.

The love of a shared life and belonging to each other

I know of commitments made in joy

Of dancing, of sleepovers, of daydreams

Feeling coterminous, and as if you could transmit thought and meaning directly

But also as if all these relationships enrich each other, and only grow stronger the more they intertwine

And I know that if was asked to trade these affections for my one true love, knight in shining armour, I never would and if for some unfathomable reason I did I would be the worser for it

Is this polyamory? Am I polyamorous? I don’t know, but I believe in their beliefs